Gold Panda Status

Disaster Relief

Mon, 12 Sep 2011 14:41:19 -0400

This summer there were a lot of crazy weather things going on. Luckily I didn’t need it this year but I never got one of those emergency kits everybody was talking about. They were all kind of expensive. But now that the hurricane season is almost over, they seem to be coming down in price. So I bought one from a guy in my neighborhood. It has everything I need: A poncho, some crumpled up newspaper, and a brick…to…hold everything down I guess.

FYI

Thu, 04 Aug 2011 13:55:56 -0400

Gatorade has nothing to do with gators. In fact, gators don’t even like Gatorade. A buddy of mine tried to give some Gatorade to a gator in the Florida Everglades once and the gator bit his hand off. And then spit out the Gatorade! So, Gatorade’s misleading name cost my friend his hand. Luckily he got a really cool fake one in its place that has different attachments, but he didn’t know it was gonna turn out that cool when there was blood gushing out of his left-over stump.

Innovation

Thu, 04 Aug 2011 13:49:01 -0400

In my weeks-old career as a waiter I’ve discovered that people really want to know what they’re getting before they get it. Especially size wise. Especially women. Is this thing big? Can we share that thing? So I’ve added a tape measure to my waiter’s utility belt. I can give them the exact measurements for things on the menu and they can get a better idea whether it’s gonna be enough for them or too much and what exactly they’re gonna be putting in their mouths. I definitely want to give them what they want and that means having the right tool for the job.

New Discoveries

Wed, 20 Jul 2011 23:33:48 -0400

There’s a magazine called BLACK TAIL. I saw it in the bodega today. But it didn’t have any animals or tails in it like I thought. It was just some naked ladies without tails. It would be cool if they did. I would buy it if they did. If I had a tail I would want it to be the color of my skin not black. And I would want a tuft on it, you know? Come to think of it, one of those ladies did have a tuft even though she didn’t have a tail. Weird.

Accomplishments

Fri, 13 May 2011 09:30:00 -0400

I’m a real quick learner. Last year somebody left a bike in the hallway of my apartment building and I learned how to ride it, all by myself, in like 6 minutes.

I didn’t take it. I rode it, but I didn’t take it. Somebody else took it. I learned a very difficult skill in a short amount of time, is what I did.

Previous employment

Thu, 12 May 2011 13:58:00 -0400

I used to work at a hot dog place. THAT was a good job. ‘Course I had to listen to my friend Rollo talk about “…lips and assholes. Hot dogs are nothing but lips and assholes.” Rollo did not like hot dogs. He said they looked like rubber penises and he wouldn’t be caught dead with a rubber penis in his mouth. He was though.

First day of the rest of my life!

Thu, 12 May 2011 13:51:00 -0400

Before we get started on the training, I just wanna let you know something right up front. I’m an orphan. They found me in a dumpster when I was a baby. It’s no big deal, I just wanted tell you myself before you find out from someone else and get upset, ‘cause I’m ok. Now, I’m new to the waiting tables game, but don’t let that worry you because I like lookin’ sharp, I like to meet new people, and I always wear an apron anyway because it reminds me of a kangaroo pouch. Sure coulda used one of those when I was a baby, but hey, a trash can full of beer bottles and sanitary napkins can be just as cozy.